Inspired by a post i just read at Blurtitout.org – DEPRESSION: 10 QUOTES WHICH HELP US THROUGH TOUGH DAYS
“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.”
– Juliette Lewis
Saw the above quote that makes me wonder, all those times i survived a breakdown, was i brave or just scared to leave this world~ ^^” I’ve had a friend who once said i was strong.. i’m always skeptical about that.. was i strong..? i thought i was just a coward for fearing death~ i mean, you never know what’s on the other side, especially for someone who has no faith in religion like me.. ideally i’d simply stop existing. BUT if my “appointed” religion happens to be the real deal, then for sure i’d be tossed into hell.. and if that really were to happen, i might as well i continue living in this world and try enjoy what little happiness i can find first..? tho yea, they say depression is almost like having hell inside your head already.. but i think hell if really exist will be depression x 2 at least? O.o better to play safe and try stay alive as long as possible..
I don’t know what made me continue living.. maybe it’s the fear that hell might exist. i felt like i was trapped inside a glass cage. people outside looking at me, laughing, leering, condescending~ but one day, finally, someone nice reached out to me from another side of the cage.. it was amazing to meet someone so understanding, so accepting~ so years ago, when i broke down, I kept telling myself..
Don’t.. Don’t do it.. angel will be so sad.. you don’t want to make angel sad..
angel already has so much problem.. don’t upset angel…
i survived that breakdown. but the next thing i know, the troubled angel had to let go. it felt terrible then – to be left alone again to face all the meanies outside.. i thought we could help each other~ i don’t hate or blame the angel. on the contrary, i still worry for her and always wish her well~ i just felt useless for not being able to help.. it’s hard to help someone who couldn’t talk to you..
And so, the next breakdown i had after that incident, i somehow overcome it without any support. as usual, there’s no one to calm me down or talk to me. but the problem is that by then, i can’t even give myself a reason as to why i shouldn’t do anything harmful. so i don’t know how i somehow survived that breakdown really.. not trying to blow my own trumpet, but i’m still amazed and wonder how the hell i passed that day.. it’s weird~ there were so many tempting factors. so many theories i knew that can help me successfully end this life.. i don’t know how i avoided trying anything that day though.. Maybe that was when i came up with the don’t go to hell yet idea~? ^^”
every other day, i can hear those meanies, but i distance myself away from them by not looking at them.. there’s also bloody tim in my head to deal with.. i distract myself by playing games. but it doesn’t change the fact that they exist. i may not hear them much, but i still recall sometimes. it’s hard not to. easy for people to tell me “don’t think about it”.. well, i’m the one with depression, so yea~ you don’t tell someone with cancer to stop producing cancerous cells right? O.o i’m tired of hearing such advice~ =__=” I was lucky during my last breakdown~ i told a friend –
“i’ve lost faith in religion, family, counselor, friends, and doctor.
i don’t even know what’s keeping me alive.”
kinda odd to say that to a friend hey..? ^^” but yea, i’m glad she was there for me to text to.. i somehow made it through that day.. and somehow slowly improve little by little. took me about a month-ish to feel “normal” again.. kinda makes me envious of people who can simply “don’t care about them” or “don’t think about it”.. wish it’s that easy for me~
For now it feels like my cage is expanding.. feels like there’s more space for me to move around.. in fact it’s almost starting to feel like i can walk in parallel with those people on the outside.. makes me kinda hopeful.. and scared.. hehe.. after more than 10yrs of crap, it can be scary to get hopeful~ 😄 so i’m prepared for the worst.. just in case this cage starts shrinking again.. just in case the glass gets thin again and i can hear the meanies outside clearly again~ that’s probably why i kinda.. errr.. shut myself out~ ^^” or it is box myself in? lol~ when surrounded by people who can’t understand, trying to explain to them each time and failing every time can really add on to the negative feelings~
Many people tend to tell me to think positive~ i think they still don’t get the part about how, with depression, it’s hard to JUST think positive. when you’ve been falling down over and over and over again for 10yrs, rather than think positive, i’d rather think practical. I’d rather be prepared for the worst, so that when it happens, it’ll be kinda, “expected”.. i’ll not be too shocked or too hurt or too surprised by the fact that i’m breaking down, again. I know people avoid me for not being a very positive person~ it’s their choice, and i can’t help it. i avoid the positive-to-a-fault people too~ 😄 i prefer practical/ready-for-rainy-days people~
I must remember, i have to put myself first before others – because when i fall, there’s usually no one there for me but myself. I have to protect myself to live~
“You just keep living, until you feel alive again.” – Jennifer Worth