I will survive! (hopefully) XD

Inspired by a post i just read at Blurtitout.org – DEPRESSION: 10 QUOTES WHICH HELP US THROUGH TOUGH DAYS

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.”
– Juliette Lewis

Saw the above quote that makes me wonder, all those times i survived a breakdown, was i brave or just scared to leave this world~ ^^” I’ve had a friend who once said i was strong.. i’m always skeptical about that.. was i strong..? i thought i was just a coward for fearing death~ i mean, you never know what’s on the other side, especially for someone who has no faith in religion like me.. ideally i’d simply stop existing. BUT if my “appointed” religion happens to be the real deal, then for sure i’d be tossed into hell.. and if that really were to happen, i might as well i continue living in this world and try enjoy what little happiness i can find first..? tho yea, they say depression is almost like having hell inside your head already.. but i think hell if really exist will be depression x 2 at least? O.o better to play safe and try stay alive as long as possible..

I don’t know what made me continue living.. maybe it’s the fear that hell might exist. i felt like i was trapped inside a glass cage. people outside looking at me, laughing, leering, condescending~ but one day, finally, someone nice reached out to me from another side of the cage.. it was amazing to meet someone so understanding, so accepting~ so years ago, when i broke down, I kept telling myself..

Don’t.. Don’t do it.. angel will be so sad.. you don’t want to make angel sad..
angel already has so much problem.. don’t upset angel…

i survived that breakdown. but the next thing i know, the troubled angel had to let go. it felt terrible then – to be left alone again to face all the meanies outside.. i thought we could help each other~ i don’t hate or blame the angel. on the contrary, i still worry for her and always wish her well~ i just felt useless for not being able to help.. it’s hard to help someone who couldn’t talk to you..

And so, the next breakdown i had after that incident, i somehow overcome it without any support. as usual, there’s no one to calm me down or talk to me. but the problem is that by then, i can’t even give myself a reason as to why i shouldn’t do anything harmful. so i don’t know how i somehow survived that breakdown really.. not trying to blow my own trumpet, but i’m still amazed and wonder how the hell i passed that day.. it’s weird~ there were so many tempting factors. so many theories i knew that can help me successfully end this life.. i don’t know how i avoided trying anything that day though.. Maybe that was when i came up with the don’t go to hell yet idea~? ^^”

every other day, i can hear those meanies, but i distance myself away from them by not looking at them.. there’s also bloody tim in my head to deal with.. i distract myself by playing games. but it doesn’t change the fact that they exist. i may not hear them much, but i still recall sometimes. it’s hard not to. easy for people to tell me “don’t think about it”.. well, i’m the one with depression, so yea~ you don’t tell someone with cancer to stop producing cancerous cells right? O.o i’m tired of hearing such advice~ =__=” I was lucky during my last breakdown~ i told a friend –

“i’ve lost faith in religion, family, counselor, friends, and doctor.
i don’t even know what’s keeping me alive.”

kinda odd to say that to a friend hey..? ^^” but yea, i’m glad she was there for me to text to.. i somehow made it through that day.. and somehow slowly improve little by little. took me about a month-ish to feel “normal” again.. kinda makes me envious of people who can simply “don’t care about them” or “don’t think about it”.. wish it’s that easy for me~

For now it feels like my cage is expanding.. feels like there’s more space for me to move around.. in fact it’s almost starting to feel like i can walk in parallel with those people on the outside.. makes me kinda hopeful.. and scared.. hehe.. after more than 10yrs of crap, it can be scary to get hopeful~ XD so i’m prepared for the worst.. just in case this cage starts shrinking again.. just in case the glass gets thin again and i can hear the meanies outside clearly again~ that’s probably why i kinda.. errr.. shut myself out~ ^^” or it is box myself in? lol~ when surrounded by people who can’t understand, trying to explain to them each time and failing every time can really add on to the negative feelings~

Many people tend to tell me to think positive~ i think they still don’t get the part about how, with depression, it’s hard to JUST think positive. when you’ve been falling down over and over and over again for 10yrs, rather than think positive, i’d rather think practical. I’d rather be prepared for the worst, so that when it happens, it’ll be kinda, “expected”.. i’ll not be too shocked or too hurt or too surprised by the fact that i’m breaking down, again. I know people avoid me for not being a very positive person~ it’s their choice, and i can’t help it. i avoid the positive-to-a-fault people too~ XD i prefer practical/ready-for-rainy-days people~

I must remember, i have to put myself first before others – because when i fall, there’s usually no one there for me but myself. I have to protect myself to live~

“You just keep living, until you feel alive again.” – Jennifer Worth


Updates, Sales & Loving My Wacom!! XD

Ummm.. hello…. O.O”

To all who’ve been worried about me, i’m so so so sorry!! i know i can’t apologize enough for my weird disappearance from RB, and my lack of replies on all your wonderful comments.. and also my lack of comments.. i’m truly truly sorry.

I’ve been basically down all these time, since September.. down.. sorta down, yea.. umm.. how do i explain.. umm.. ok, i’ll write a from the start thing, so this journal will be lengthy so yea.. Oo”

Basically i once had a major major breakdown last Sep 2007. it was pretty bad. i sooooo wanted to have myself admitted into the hospital to get away from life and to avoid hurting anyone. i was that close to really hurting someone.. in my mind, i was fighting and struggling not to harm anyone. not to harm myself. i was presented with horrible ugly images of how i wanted to really really really hurt the someone who’s hurting me mentally and emotionally. but my brother managed to get home on time to save me. God bless him.

So what happened in 2008 this year was that.. i managed to last through the past 1yr with no more major breakdowns.. i’ve worked hard and i’ve managed to control myself enough not to have any breakdown for a year. and i was proud of myself. until a few days after the 1yr anniversary that that same someone said something nasty again and voila, there goes my clean records of no major breakdowns~ pfft..

Someone i truly care for and respect and love suggested that i behave properly or i’d be caught by the mental hospital and dragged away and locked up.. it’s basically a big huge insult and jab to me.. biiiiiiiig.. it’s like.. “what the hell makes her think i’d go into hysteria?!” big.. it’s like a vampire being stabbed in the heart big. it’s sorta, the worst words i’ve heard.. i couldn’t ask for anything more blunt. it’s as good as saying, “watch it, mad woman. you’ll be caught one day”. oooO.. typing this brings back the pain on my chest.. annoying..

the last tv drama didn’t help educate that lady either. the drama suggested that anyone having depression will go into hysteria and will attempt to kill themselves and will be full of anxiety and hysteria stuffs.. honestly, receiving such comments makes me wanna try just do that and give her what she wants. but stubborn lil me won’t give her what she wants. she’ll have to work harder at tormenting me mentally if she wants me to go into hysteria.

So yea.. basically after that hurtful episode, i sorta thought i managed to get over it, but i thought wrong i guess. i tried to get back on RB, to comment and fav works.. but i couldn’t do much cos i’ve been feeling moody. i don’t want to leave a half-hearted comment – especially when i know that i’d be responding to the piece for cheerfully if i weren’t feeling moody.

i’ve received so many kind bmails and emails from you guys.. Midori-sama.. Ellen.. Lisa.. Christelle.. Lori.. iAN.. Tom.. Julie.. Rory.. Gillian.. Vestque.. GG.. argh!!! there’s so many of you lovely people out there bmailing and commenting and being so nice to me, i’m so sorry for disappearing!!

there’s so many kind comments on my SilentCries gallery too!! You guys are too kind!! am not complaining, but really really really thank you all!!

i’m so sorry i haven’t manage to reply to you guys.. Basically i’ve been feeling moody, and can’t bring myself to reply.. i am not my usual cheerful childish self, and i’d feel bad to tell you guys am not ok cos i think it’s not too big a problem still and yet it held me down so much..

Basically i planned to reply to all the comments and bmails and emails only after i’ve gotten myself back up. OO” i am so so sorry.. i know i must have worried some of you guys.. though seriously, there’s no need to worry for me, am nothing! as in.. there’s no need to worry for me.. how do i say this.. i’ve dealt with crappy people all my life, so i will be ok. i will not go into hysteria, i will not be dragged away in straight jacket, i will not kill myself and i will not kill others. cough cough..

i would like to thank Karin for reminding me that i haven’t been replying to anything for a long time and that includes personal bmails and emails.. i honestly didn’t realize i’ve been withdrawing myself. i just thought i’m just procrastinating to answering bmails and emails..

I’ve been drawing and playing on my wacom the last 3days.. immersing myself into drawing and sketching, hoping to purge out any negative feelings in me.

here’s my first try at sketching with wacom.. it’s really fun.. and now i’m trying to color with a wacom.. will show you guys once it’s done.. it’s a little guy, by the name of Kenny… he’s very young and very quiet.. he cries easily. he loves to be carried and hugged. X) he’ll be done a 2-3 days i guess..

To those who love silly lil jokes, my bro helped came up with the words for these two tees

Last but not least, thank you so so much to the mystery buyer of SUSHI!!!

sold on 7th Oct

Major Thank You to JakkiO for purchasing Paint Yourself! Card

And Thank You to the latest mystery buyer of I Love Me – Have You Loved Yourself Today? Card!!

Thank you so much to RB for featuring I Love Me – Have You Loved Yourself Today? in the Featured Art section!! X)