Hey everyone!! Or anyone who might be reading this bloggie~ eheh.. Hmm.. just wanna do a little review of last year~ honestly, i think no one cares, but i just wanna write it down somewhere so i can look back and see how far i’ve come~ people tend to see how far they are from their dreams, but often forgot to see how far they’ve come from the time they started out working towards their dreams~
What’s my dream? Aha.. i’ll talk about that in my next post~ truthfully, i’ve never literally dreamed about having my own shop. But i do have some goals in life~ Goals that i hope will keep me from tipping off the edge.. So far, they’ve been rather helpful.. especially since i was terribly down and suicidal last year.. 3 breakdowns.. that’s quite a number.. i don’t remember breaking down so many times the year before.. and no, by breakdown, i don’t mean just breakdown and cry thingy~ To me, breaking down, means stepping on the edge, feeling far too tempted to end everything, far too tired to continue living~ too tempting to jump off, too tempting to grab that shiny blade~ often, i’d punch the wall, the floor, anything hard, just to distract myself from the pain inside~ it helps a little..
but of course i don’t recommend punching walls/floor etc to anyone!! my doc asked me to punch pillows.. but personally, i’d rather punch floor/wall and hurt my knuckles, then punch pillow and risk hurting my wrists.. Yes, i’ve aaaaaaaaaalways wish to have my own punching bag~ Alas, i don’t think my ceiling can hold the weight of one.. Oo”~ if you’re living in Singapore, in the lower and middle income range, i’d suggest you talk to your psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor.. i know a lot of people assumed, if they have mental problems, they HAVE TO go to IMH.. well, FYI, it is NOT necessary. You can, like me, go polyclinic and request to get psychology/psychiatric help at SGH or TTSH etc.. I personally can’t bring myself to seek help at IMH, thanks to the social stigma people already stamped on the hospital.. -_- so, if you’re like me, afraid of the stigma, afraid to feel too much, try getting referral to other hospitals~
if you’re at the lower income, tell them where you stand.. i managed to get free counseling sessions for about 2 years i think.. stopped because i can’t continue talking to someone who “rejects” me when i shamelessly told her “i have no one and no where else to confide in with someone other than within this little room“.. oh well.. can’t expect much since i’m getting FREE counseling session.. she’s probably moody after just giving birth.. i stopped going for counseling, ’cause i know from then on, i can never bring myself to confide in counselors anymore~ but hey, everyone is different! i might just be a lil unlucky~ try getting counselor.. cause really, despite the not nice ending, i never regretted seeking help with Family Service Centre~ i learnt a lot during those 2 years~ a lot a lot a lot~ so much about myself and the people around me.. it’s mentally exhausting sometimes.. but it was enlightening and definitely worth the efforts~ i learnt to be stronger.. more emotionally independent.. i learnt what i want.. what i need.. what i must learn to live without.. why i hate some things.. why some things upsets me.. why some things scare me.. and when you’ve learnt the reasons behind all the whys, you’ll then be able to work on a solution to solve the problems.. 😉
Oh, i also heard you can use your medisave to help with the specialists if you’re getting psychiatric treatments.. just ask your specialist for the form.. am not using my medisave at the moment because when i tried to pay using it, the cashier went on a long tirade “aiya, subsidise a big only lah, a few dollars only, not worth it lah, no need lah ahr, i tear har, i tear ya, i tear this form ok, no need lah, a few dollars only…” i personally wonder how that lady got hired.. to work in a Psychological Medicine Clinic!!! if i weren’t feeling too tired that day, i might just ask to see her supervisor.. -_- a few dollar ONLY… ONLY she said.. to a paying patient in the Psychological Medicine Clinic asking for help with the medical bills.. wow~ but STILL!!! You know~ if you have a job that contributes to your medisave, you can try paying your specialist using it i guess.. after that biatch, i don’t feel like using mine.. afterall am no longer an employee that gets her cpf topped up every month.. so i’ll just use my own earnings from my stall.. maybe medisave money can use in future if there’s a real need… if it can be used…
2012 had been a very very exhausting year.. thanks to my neighbor smoking his cig at our shared doorstep daily, asthma decides to make a comeback (after 12yrs break) in January~ and with a vengence.. i still recalled how scared-for-my-life i was when i was on my way to the hospital.. for some reason, i chose to take the train rather than the cab.. by the time i reached the counter to register, i could barely breath~ but of course.. i had to wait for my turn.. good thing there wasn’t too many people at ER since it’s the 3rd day of lunar new year.. i couldn’t stand on my own and had to be wheeled around.. i had to overnight there (good thing they gave me a bed) and breath the.. i can’t recalled what was it called.. basically breath the med every few hour.. i was SOOO bored i took a pix of myself~ Lolz!! 😄 looking back at this pix.. i miss my long hair!! T_T
Not long after that episode (March).. i’m not sure what exactly happened but i almost passed out in the train. On my way to visit my usual psychiatrist, i slowly started to break into cold sweat.. then my ears start to ring, and felt like it’s being crushed on the inside.. had to pull off my earphones.. and i started to worry when i found out for the first time what people mean when they say they see spots in their vision~ @_@ it’s like my vision.. seem to fade in and out.. i was scared as hell.. managed to find an empty seat.. took a moment to gather my bearings.. and continue to my appointment.. i don’t know why, but i forced myself to head up to my doc rather than go straight to the ER or general clinic for help.. i was a little tempted but when i was on my way, none of the nurses around me seem to care i seem breathless.. even the nurses in the lift don’t give a damn i was sweating and heaving~ people in the train also didn’t care.. i felt so crappy, i chose my psychologist instead.. then i went home.. and.. just my luck.. people at home didn’t feel like caring at all that day.. went to polyclinic the next day to get a generic blood test done.. broke down for the first time that year on returning home that day.. Reason i survived? I don’t wanna hurt my friend.. she believes in me.. and she’s had enough bad news already.. i don’t want to be another bad news.. she’s a wonderful friend. i don’t want her to hurt.. her sensitive nature, gave me strength~
i later found out from the blood tests that i have hyperthyroidism and slight anemia.. well, that most certainly explains why i keep sweating buckets of water just from walking.. and why i keep getting docs saying my heart rate’s too fast.. if Sinli hadn’t encouraged me to take a blood test, i wonder how bad my condition might get.. Thank you, Sinli!! already by then, my thyroid count was slightly over 3 times the maximum safe amount.. yes.. 3 times.. i was shocked as hell.. because of that, i had to take camazole and iron tabs on top of my fluoxetine… hnnnn…..
when you’re used to walking fast.. having to walk like an old woman.. not having strength in your legs to climb small steps at the stairs.. sweating and heart beating like i just ran a marathon even when i covered a few meters.. all this.. can be quite depressing to say the least.. i haaaateeeee moving slowly!!! yes, i can never live at countryside.. maybe a little too used to busy city life..
so, i diligently took my meds!! eat my prozac so i don’t get too depressed.. eat the carbimazole so my heart can stop beating like crazy.. eat the iron tabs (yummy choc scented) to recover my appetite and feel less light headed.. if there’s one thing to be thankful for.. i actually lost 7kg due to hyperthyroidism!! lolz!!
but it was short lived of course.. i gained back (almost to) my usual weight now that my thyroid’s almost back to normal.. i find my arms.. errr.. seemingly a bit muscular.. sometimes i wonder.. i do sit-ups, squats, and weights since i can’t run.. did i end up gaining some weight in muscles? O_O” maybe i shouldn’t lift too much weights.. fats + bigger muscles = nightmare for my shoulders.. and since they’re ramping up the rent at Vivo again this year.. i might end up postponing treatments for this shoulders for a while more.. also, i dropped a loooooooooooot of hair.. so much, i was considering going to some trichologist for treatment, but decides to save money and asked the doctors at National Skin Clinic first.. turns out hyperthyroidism plus asthma attacks had caused the hair falls.. it’s starting to fall less, almost normal now that my thyroid and asthma seems more stable..
Eating my prozac daily also meant i feel less down.. when meant my mood can be quite good.. and so when Fa is happy.. someone at home gets upset and annoyed that i am happy. Funny hey? but that’s my life~ perhaps he’s used to me being depressed or quiet.. and not to mentioned all the stress at work.. i broke down the night he asked, “have you eaten your medicine?”. Why? Why was i shot that question when i was laughing while watching a comedy?! I mean.. feel free to shoot me THAT QUESTION if i’m laughing while watching some psychopath show.. but what is wrong with me being happy and laughing while watching a COMEDY?! i shot him back saying, i’m laughing BECAUSE I ATE MY MEDICINE!!!! I SHALL EAT LESS SINCE I SEEM TO BE PISSING YOU OFF BY BEING HAPPY!!!
That night, i punched the wall and hurt my knuckles.. and once again wonder how did those actors on tv portray guys punching till their knuckles bleed and act like it’s no biggie~ i only bruised my knuckles and it’s enough to hinder my finger movement for over a week!! it’s freaking annoying!! i wasn’t even halfway through 2012..
The final time i felt suicidal in 2012 was some time between Nov-Dec.. what’s interesting about it is that.. i have NO records of what happened.. the only clue i had was a status i managed to post on fb and this super cute animation my friend shared~ Super cute song that, i’m so glad i didn’t attempt any of the Dumb Ways To Die~ Lolz!!
This vid reminds me of The Book of Bunny Suicides~ funny, cute.. and dunno why, makes me not suicidal~ lolz!!
i didn’t talk to anyone about that breakdown at all apparently.. not sure who or what caused the break down.. i only remember feeling alone, like i had no one to talk to.. i think i clamped myself up totally then.. though i still remember the pain from punching the floor.. why? Cause i struggled like crazy over 3 weeks DURING BUSY X’MAS SEASON trying to use the pliers to make the necklace’s chains and cords… maybe because of the pressure from the earlier part of the year.. and not having much support.. i was tired as hell catching up with restocking my goods for the Christmas season.. imagine my horror when i later found out there was another social flea market going on at the main aisle at Vivo~ sales was terrrible last christmas.. and our management decided to double our rent in November and more than tripled our rent for December~ Wheeee~ ..|.,
But hey! one must learn to find strength and learn to appreciate one’s own efforts.. When you have depression, you’ll tend to keep thinking about how much you’ve suffered.. how much hell you’ve been through.. and depression tend to worsen when you’re down with so many sickness.. having to take so many blood tests.. having to rush closing windows and blasting fans when neighbor smokes.. having no strength to move.. seeing hair keep dropping dropping dropping.. not being able to eat prozac daily cause someone at home feels that i shouldn’t be too happy.. i have to find other ways to be strong!
we all have different ways of finding strength.. and there’s physical strength and mental strength. anger and frustration helped me gain physical strength to combat hyperthyroidism.. i hate being weak physically. i hate not being able to walk fast and climb stairs.. so i forced myself to do some cardio workouts.. i know to not over exert, cause failure will only make me feel worse or give up. so i don’t aim so high~ i started out by doing dance aerobics!! 😄 i know i can’t jog or brisk walk with asthma.. so i need to start as light as possible. what better way than to have fun and exercise at the same time? 😀 so i did a few dance aerobics and funny chair exercise (suitable for old folks) on my own at home~ it’s funny, easy, light and best of all – i had fun laughing at myself~ it cheers me up! 😉 as i gained more energy (after a week), i do more leg exercises to gain back strength in my thighs (damn hyperthyroidism).
Notice most of the links is exercise vids by Paul Eugene? eheh.. don’t mind me.. look for your own videos.. i like to follow him last time cause he’s funny~ ^^” i love lifting weights most!! (more here) but of course, due to my wrists and shoulders, i don’t carry too heavy a weight~ bought a pair of plastic waterbottle dumbbells from Daiso~ =D if it’s just water inside, it’s light, good for a start.. over time, i add reject glass tiles into the bottles to increase the weight~ lolz!! 😄 but if you have sore tendons like me, PLEASE take care to not get too immersed and overdo it.. i more than once overdid it and strained my shoulders.. took over a week for the pain to go away. not fun.. @_@
Mental strength is harder to gain.. some manage to gain them through meditation and yoga.. i can’t do either.. my mind CANNOT shut up.. i blame Tim.. and since i always have this monster in my head, i might as well make full use of him, hey? Afterall, if it weren’t for depression, i probably wouldn’t have came up with Tim, wouldn’t have created my own identity, wouldn’t be where i am today~ and so, i always make sure i have a sketchbook and pen/pencil nearby~ or at least my phone with a sketch app and notepad inside.. i doodle any thoughts and ideas i get.. write when i don’t have the energy to doodle.. and store them in my phone or upload over at my fb page.. over time, i look back.. look at what i’ve come up with.. so far, i think i’m progressing~ lolz!! i’m moving at a snail pace, but at least, i’m still moving~
i learn to appreciate how far i’ve come.. instead of getting irritation at people taking pix of my posters without asking for permission, i learn to appreciate the fact that my designs are funny enough that people will (rudely) photograph (without asking for permission).. i guess with the advancement of technology, plus increase in stress due to SUPER COMPETITIVE way of life in Singapore, plus Courtesy Lion working ONLY once a year, i guess it’s natural that social etiquette here keeps dropping and dropping.. When a big group of people come and stopped and laughed and joked with each other while looking at the posters but not getting a thing, i thought “Hey, at least my designs can make a whole group people stop.. AND have fun~!” From there, i learn to appreciate people who just came to check out the designs i have.. people who’re on their way, and then suddenly turn back to look or paused to look at my designs.. “my designs.. can make people stop on their tracks!” 😄 and then, i’d feel even more thankful to those who actually bought a little something~ Some may buy just 1 mini badge.. some bought like a bunch of keychains or badges for colleagues.. then there are some more generous ones who’d buy a bunch of posters for their colleagues.. my heart swelled each time people buy in bulk.. some chose the glass tile necklace for their daughter/girlfriend/friends.. alas, as all my things are printed in small quantities locally.. and/or made by myself, alone.. so i can’t afford to give people much discounts.. =( i don’t have the capital (and space at home) to print in bulk.. nor do i have the money or confidence to pay and teach people to make for me.. ^^”
i look back at what i’ve achieved last year.. hmm.. i think i’ll put that all into another blog.. things that i’ve achieved.. my portfolio etc.. i think i rattle on long enough here.. O_O”