Hmm.. i think it’s been too long since i stopped going for counseling.. Having no one to really talk things to, i guess i can post some of the junks in my head here..? ^^”
When i last visit my psychiatrist.. i asked her when was the first time i came to the hospital for help.. and found out that it was sometime in early 2005.. Yesterday, the one who saved me several times all these years, asked me if i’ve eaten my medicine. – when i was just watching the tv.. Has he gotten so used to me being depressed that me being happy is so wrong? i grew up, not given the basic permission of crying when i’m sick or sad or in pain.. not given the basic rights to feel angry or indignant when bullied.. even laughing out loud, seems wrong..
i’m turning 28 this year.. One of the devil from my childhood has left now.. And yet, i’m still denied to feel.. Like i’m supposed to live the life of a poker face machine.. Can’t feel stressed, can’t have headaches, can’t feel sad, can’t laugh out loud, can’t be excited, can’t smile happily.. This is why i say… Do NOT Live for ANYBODY’S sake. If you need a reason to live, make sure it is for YOURSELF. Why? Cause the very one who kept asking me to live the last few years decides that he’s so used to me being depressed that i must be sick if i’m happy~ hehe.. funny hey? While i’ve always told myself that i want to live on, for myself.. there is still a part in me that’s writhing in pain inside.. the monster in my mind baring it’s sharp teeth and claws.. tearing my arms, my neck from the inside, wanting to be let out.. yes.. i’m glad i’ve decided to live for myself.. if i had still lived for that person till now, i might have just ended this life last night.. this monster, would’ve successfully tore me inside out.. i’d have willingly, gladly jumped off the taller building next to my apartment, without giving a damn if i accidentally landed on someone..
But i still have much to do.. i still want to create my own lil haven.. selling tshirts.. accessories.. stationaries.. all featuring designs by myself and my friends.. with a lil cafe/chillout corner.. i wanna live with a cat and a dog.. i want to be happy.. in a fantasy world, i’ll wish to know what it feels like to love and be loved.. but i’m living in a real world.. too real.. where the ugly have no place in it.. i should just be thankful that i can be alone.. Dying is definitely not an option. For i’d either land in nothingness (which will be awesome) or worst, land in hell. And i’m not ready for hell. Afterall, those that must be in “my hell” are still very much alive.
I’ve come, quite far from where i was 7yrs ago, i must say… from that girl forcing herself to do web designs and misc shitz… from that girl who’ve lost the patience and appreciation of art and being influenced into thinking that nothing she creates is good enough.. screw the norms, really~ I’ve always made my own decision as a kid. What makes people think i’d let them decide my life after i’m done with school?
“Only the rich can become artists”
“One CANNOT make a living as an artist”
“You need CPF to live”
“You need to work for a company all your life”
“Don’t appear near my workplace now that you’re jobless”
“Wait the mental hospital will drag you away”
“What makes you think you can earn enough to cover the cost of that machine”
The ones who said the above, i’m proven them wrong so far.. The richest man in this world, is one who knows how to live within his means.. No point earning thousands a month and yet couldn’t live with the bills and expenses.. i earn only hundreds a month. not enough for most people.. but hey, i’m ok with it, though i know many are unhappy with me earning so little. Despite earning so little, i still get people showing me their jealousy each time i made a sale.. some are discreet.. others are soo obvious.. both, sickens me.. for when they do make sales, i actually felt happy for them.. i guess i am sick that way~ i don’t regard them as competitors.. and yet i am regarded as one. such is my life for a long as i know~ Should i regard them as competitor as well? Lolz!!! Like i can be bothered!!! Fa only has 1 competitor. And that is, her bloody self~ Why should i waste my time and energy bringing other people down when i have to fight to survive my own mind? I have my own battle to fight and win. Getting distracted can be fatal~ though i know a number who would love for me to be gone~
Oh by the way, someone might be spreading a rumor that i am a mother of two..? Most likely by the 2 ladies whom i used to help, who somehow became disgustingly green-eyed when i was doing well during last year’s christmas sale.. I’ll never help them again. i’m offended, of course. not only did one of them came telling it to my face, she even insist that is the truth~ wow~ If there’s one thing i never want to do is to bring a replica of me into this world. One life, is enough. Such rumor, is as insulting as the many MANY people who asked if i have IP over MY DESIGNS. To those who have no knowledge of copyright laws, feel free to read a little here~ MY MONSTERS, ARE MINE!!!!
Oh how i wish to laugh~ it’s still aching inside.. but not painful to laugh.. i’m glad i could keep and digest my dinner.. sides.. i’d like to think that i’m past the “laughing at my own misery” stage.. i’d like to think that after 7yrs, i’d have better control over my own monsters.. Aha.. i remember all the times customers/shoppers look at me in disbelieve when i had to say that the reason for the pain and lack of colors in my designs is due to depression.. As if someone with clinical depression MUST look depressed at all time.. That we’re not supposed to laugh or smile or be happy! What they never had, they’ll never understand.. My mask, is just strong enough to allow me to get out there and sell my work. That doesn’t mean i’m free from this wretched sickness in the mind..
28… how many more years to go.. how many more years do i have left.. i yearn to live as much as i yearn to leave.. tired.. very tired.. i felt sick when i chanced across my scrawling when i was a lil kid.. i yearn for sanity since i was a kid?
I shall sign off for the night by sharing one of my favorite song by Nightwish – Dead Boy’s Poem