Granduncle’s gonna be buried later.. as they leave this world, one by one.. i wonder, how will my turn be like.. will i be able to achieve all i want to achieve.. or am i delaying cos i want to keep this dream unachievable for as long as i can – it being the only reason i keep on living.. Can i have the pleasure of nothingness after death, or will it be eternal hell.. if hell, it won’t be complete without people who torment me in this world.. if it’s nothingness, then i thank life for setting me free..
Death, is easy. Too easy to achieve. One can end one’s life anytime.. but life.. we live this life only once. Shouldn’t we try our damnest to live? Many of us go through life as it goes.. some of us, had to struggle to find the tiniest possible purpose.. each time i learn someone has left, i wonder
– will this emptiness disappear when it’s finally my turn..
I’ll be reaching yet another year of my life soon.. as a kid, i was too stupid to know that i can’t strangle myself manually with rubber pipe or drown myself in the big pail/tub.. as a teen, the law keeps me from revenge.. i’m glad cos it didnt take long for karma to strike those who’ve hurt me.. thank you, karma.. as an adult.. hmm… this may sound silly, but i honestly didn’t end my life 7yrs ago because i couldn’t decide on the method to end it.. lol~ ^^” i mean, seriously!! I dun wanna burn myself cos i think i’ll get more than enough burns in hell later.. i didnt wanna drown, cos i almost drowned as a kid – singapore water is ugly really.. ^^” i didnt even think of hanging, cos i dun think the ceilings can take my weight.. overdose sounds possible.. tho am not confident i can swallow so much without puking them out.. the classic stab n twist to let air into the blood stream was actually quite my fav choice.. i’d have gone for that if i didn’t feel like stabbing others more than myself. And i guess it helps that i dunno where “my last name” lives.. finally, i think jumping might just be the fastest way~ but already 2 people jumped down from the neighboring apartment last time.. and i didn’t wanna accidentally land on nice people.. and i couldn’t ask people to let me into their house so that i can jump out their kitchen, could i.. despite the above, psychiatrist deem me safe enough to remain as an outpatient. =_=”
So… since then, i fight like crazy to not hurt, and to live~ lolz.. i fight like crazy, not to hurt people i love, no matter how much they hurt me.. i fought like crazy not to end my life when this heart and mind felt like it couldnt take any more abuse.. i fought like crazy when my own trusted counselor said “you can’t keep coming here always” after i just told her i have nowhere and no one else to confide in..
1.5yr without counseling.. without really confiding in people.. this feb, doctor diagnosed that my asthma decided to make a comeback.. i curse my kind next door neighbor for smoking at my doorstep everyday. He still does it after me and mum told him soooo many times to spare me and smoke further away.. in march, i almost passed-out in the train n in front of hospital nurses.. no one gave a damn then. Later, doc diagnosed that i’m anemic and i have hyperthyroidism..
After struggling like crazy.. after convincing myself that i will upset Karin a lot if i end myself prematurely.. i started trying to live again.. it helps that my stupid new sicknesses are making me lose my appetite and strength.. if anything, i haaaateeee to lose my appetite and i haaaaateeeeee walking slowly like i’m going to collapse anytime.. and so i started to exercise.. Force my thigh muscle to work again.. and now, 2mth later, my appetite is back, i can climb the stairs, and i can walk my normal speed. Fluoxetine helps keep each depressing moments under control.. Iron prolly gave me back my appetite.. And camazole prolly helps return strength to my thighs? Oo”
I dun seem to hav bulgy eyes or swollen throat.. the only sign of hyperthyroidism seems to be just the weak thighs.. and lotsa hair falls.. ok, the hairfalls part is not improving much.. hmmmm….. not sure how to fix that really… i’ll be meeting the thyroid specialist next monday.. wonder if they’ll do blood test again.. wanna know if it’s still 3x higher that the max normal amount.. cos seriously!! If i didnt already have depression, having to pop 6 bloody camazole everyday will certainly gimme one!! I mean.. 5mg per pill.. can’t factories make 10mg ones too?! Everyone thought i was overdosing myself when they see me pop n swallow so many pills!!
I’m ranting away now.. sorry.. hehe.. it’s just that this headache don’t seem to be going away.. wonderful LTA allows their donwtown line (new train rail line) to work 24/7 despite the location being under 10sec walk away from my apartment building.. and that this is the second time a relative left this world on 10th May. The first time was when i was in early elementary school.. i learnt death that day.. and somehow started loving the moon since then.. the moon feels comforting.. then i started loving rain.. then i started loving the tree by my bedroom that is now gone because of the stupid downtown line project.. then i started to love the setting sun, now no longer as beautiful from home.. i miss my dearest stray cat.. but i’ll live on.. because death, is too easy~ ;D