Because death, is too easy~ ;D

Granduncle’s gonna be buried later.. as they leave this world, one by one.. i wonder, how will my turn be like.. will i be able to achieve all i want to achieve.. or am i delaying cos i want to keep this dream unachievable for as long as i can – it being the only reason i keep on living.. Can i have the pleasure of nothingness after death, or will it be eternal hell.. if hell, it won’t be complete without people who torment me in this world.. if it’s nothingness, then i thank life for setting me free..

Death, is easy. Too easy to achieve. One can end one’s life anytime.. but life.. we live this life only once. Shouldn’t we try our damnest to live? Many of us go through life as it goes.. some of us, had to struggle to find the tiniest possible purpose.. each time i learn someone has left, i wonder
– will this emptiness disappear when it’s finally my turn..

I’ll be reaching yet another year of my life soon.. as a kid, i was too stupid to know that i can’t strangle myself manually with rubber pipe or drown myself in the big pail/tub.. as a teen, the law keeps me from revenge.. i’m glad cos it didnt take long for karma to strike those who’ve hurt me.. thank you, karma.. as an adult.. hmm… this may sound silly, but i honestly didn’t end my life 7yrs ago because i couldn’t decide on the method to end it.. lol~ ^^” i mean, seriously!! I dun wanna burn myself cos i think i’ll get more than enough burns in hell later.. i didnt wanna drown, cos i almost drowned as a kid – singapore water is ugly really.. ^^” i didnt even think of hanging, cos i dun think the ceilings can take my weight.. overdose sounds possible.. tho am not confident i can swallow so much without puking them out.. the classic stab n twist to let air into the blood stream was actually quite my fav choice.. i’d have gone for that if i didn’t feel like stabbing others more than myself. And i guess it helps that i dunno where “my last name” lives.. finally, i think jumping might just be the fastest way~ but already 2 people jumped down from the neighboring apartment last time.. and i didn’t wanna accidentally land on nice people.. and i couldn’t ask people to let me into their house so that i can jump out their kitchen, could i.. despite the above, psychiatrist deem me safe enough to remain as an outpatient. =_=”

So… since then, i fight like crazy to not hurt, and to live~ lolz.. i fight like crazy, not to hurt people i love, no matter how much they hurt me.. i fought like crazy not to end my life when this heart and mind felt like it couldnt take any more abuse.. i fought like crazy when my own trusted counselor said “you can’t keep coming here always” after i just told her i have nowhere and no one else to confide in..

1.5yr without counseling.. without really confiding in people.. this feb, doctor diagnosed that my asthma decided to make a comeback.. i curse my kind next door neighbor for smoking at my doorstep everyday. He still does it after me and mum told him soooo many times to spare me and smoke further away.. in march, i almost passed-out in the train n in front of hospital nurses.. no one gave a damn then. Later, doc diagnosed that i’m anemic and i have hyperthyroidism..

After struggling like crazy.. after convincing myself that i will upset Karin a lot if i end myself prematurely.. i started trying to live again.. it helps that my stupid new sicknesses are making me lose my appetite and strength.. if anything, i haaaateeee to lose my appetite and i haaaaateeeeee walking slowly like i’m going to collapse anytime.. and so i started to exercise.. Force my thigh muscle to work again.. and now, 2mth later, my appetite is back, i can climb the stairs, and i can walk my normal speed. Fluoxetine helps keep each depressing moments under control.. Iron prolly gave me back my appetite.. And camazole prolly helps return strength to my thighs? Oo”

I dun seem to hav bulgy eyes or swollen throat.. the only sign of hyperthyroidism seems to be just the weak thighs.. and lotsa hair falls.. ok, the hairfalls part is not improving much.. hmmmm….. not sure how to fix that really… i’ll be meeting the thyroid specialist next monday.. wonder if they’ll do blood test again.. wanna know if it’s still 3x higher that the max normal amount.. cos seriously!! If i didnt already have depression, having to pop 6 bloody camazole everyday will certainly gimme one!! I mean.. 5mg per pill.. can’t factories make 10mg ones too?! Everyone thought i was overdosing myself when they see me pop n swallow so many pills!!

I’m ranting away now.. sorry.. hehe.. it’s just that this headache don’t seem to be going away.. wonderful LTA allows their donwtown line (new train rail line) to work 24/7 despite the location being under 10sec walk away from my apartment building.. and that this is the second time a relative left this world on 10th May. The first time was when i was in early elementary school.. i learnt death that day.. and somehow started loving the moon since then.. the moon feels comforting.. then i started loving rain.. then i started loving the tree by my bedroom that is now gone because of the stupid downtown line project.. then i started to love the setting sun, now no longer as beautiful from home.. i miss my dearest stray cat.. but i’ll live on.. because death, is too easy~ ;D

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6 thoughts on “Because death, is too easy~ ;D

  1. I’ve been throught those same thoughts before. And I am still here, wondering every day why am I still alive. I just can’t answer that question, so I cary on and try to make my life as colorful as possible, so I don’t go insane waiting for it to finally end.

    • have you found a reason? i think many of us live without knowing.. i think it helps to not think about why we’re still alive.. but rather, just live on the best we can.. i feel that rather than pondering and getting all depressed and lonely, i’d rather busy with improving my skills and portfolio.. improve myself.. it need not be for anyone.. In fact, i feel that it’s safest to live for myself than to live for anyone~ god knows when that someone might somehow one day let us down.. so if we live for ourselves, i think, that might be a good start to finding the answer.. take care~ ^_^

      • I suppose you could look at it that way. But what about those times when you feel like you are all done with it? Like you don’t even care if there is gonna be tomorrow? Like you did everything you wanted, and now you are bored with life… Then what?

      • Hmmm.. i’ve had that too often.. days when i felt like i’m so tired of living.. though so far, i’ve never thought of it as boring.. Life has never been boring to me, all these years.. there’s always something to do, however mundane it may seem.. study.. doc appointment.. study.. doc appointment.. work.. doc appointment.. clean house.. work.. doc appointment.. i’m not exactly schizophrenic.. doc didn’t say so.. but i have another mind of my own.. a not very nice fella in my head.. i take hours to sleep every night cos my mind wouldn’t sleep.. so i’m not really sure what to do should i ever get “bored with life”.. O_O”

        I also set goals which are not too easy to meet, thus making it hard to “do everything i wanted..” ^^” Eg. travel to Europe (no money).. Have my own lil shop + cafe (slooooooooooowly getting there.. extreeeeeemely slowly).. It helps to refuse sponsorship etc.. ^^” i also wish for one day, to meet someone who’ll love me as i him.. this last one is wonderfully unachieveable.. lolz!! 😄 so i guess that will help make me feel indignant to end my life abruptly? Oo”

        i saw your posting on 13th May.. While this may not be much, but i’m sorry to hear you couldn’t run like you used to.. I know of a guy who got terribly down too, when he could no longer run due to his knees injury.. i’m kinda happy to hear that he’s starting to some brisk walking and light jogging.. Though he could only jog for like 10min, i can see the lil relief in his eyes.. like.. “better than nothing” look.. Please train with care? i’m glad to hear that it’s progressing, though slow.. i think ever little progress is nice, isn’t it? how is your modelling aim coming along? =)

      • Well my life is busy all the time, I only come home to sleep. But some days for some reason I just stop and ask myself, why am I even doing all this, every single day. And it’s not me being depressed, not me being sad, I just don’t understand why would I want to live fifty more years.
        My training is going well, but I discovered that I might be developing an arthritis. It sucks, but I am sure there is a way to pull through that one.
        Modeling is tougher because my body doesn’t necessarily meet the standards on the market that is available to me right now. But I am sure it will eventually work out, if it was meant to be 😉

      • Glad to hear your training has been fruitful.. hopefully it won’t turn into arthritis.. the pains, can lead a person down the wrong way.. cts and shoulder arthritis did that for me.. if you take proper care of your legs, i’m sure you can reduce getting it earlier than necessary.. i hope you’ll be fine.. =) and am definitely happy for you.. to hear that you’re neither happy nor upset with life.. it’s definitely better than feeling negative.. having a mid-life crisis, Di? =)

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