Just saw the show “Asia Exposed 2” earlier at Channel News Asia while i work on making more pendants.. i truly regretted my silly move to listen to the whole show.. i don’t know how inspiring is it to photographers out there.. cos all i hear are stories about mental patients having support and love from their family/spouse..
I mean.. sure, i guess the show is supposed to be encouraging, thus there’s always the “they’ve made it this far thanks to the love and support they get from blah blah..”.. But i wonder.. i wonder how other mental patients react to this show.. i just wonder.. i’m sure there are some of us who don’t actually have the beautiful support that the featured people have, right? for those who don’t have them.. how do they feel.. are they ok..? do they feel encouraged? any end up upset or tearing up like me? or am i just weird for watching the show? but hey, i thought it’s a show to bring about awareness of mental illnesses.. how i know it’d be kinda 1 sided..
i felt kinda upset and regretful that i watched.. or more like listen to the show.. i was listening while i paste the glasses on the printouts.. i was like.. yea, i guess you could say i feel jealous.. like.. envy.. those who have support from their family or spouse.. i felt alone again.. i thought i’d be able to push away this feeling. but i guess it’ll always come back and bite me where it hurts~ -_-”
i wish i know someone who had no one.. ok, i think i sounded a lil sadistic here, but hey! i just wanna know, how did they managed to survive thus far? how long have they been coping “alone”.. and what motivates them to live on.. But then again, i don’t think the tv will ever feature the not so fortunate mentally ill people.. but hey! if they can talk about how they’ve coped thus far, then it’s not considered a negative show, right?! i think it will be encouraging for us “patients” out here if we can learn about how our other “comrades” managed to survived thus far.. like.. seriously, don’t tell me all surviving mental patients had or found love??? if that’s the case, then am i ultimately doom to suicide or what??
I’ve already given up on receiving counselling since my counselor matter-of-factly told me that i can’t keep coming for counselling forever.. that’s like.. nice… real nice…. To all counselors out there, if you’ve just gave birth, and is not exactly ready to go back to counselling people who sincerely and truthfully need you – please, don’t hurry back to work.. or maybe i just don’t matter since i go for free counselling, losing me, is no big deal for them hey? excuse me for not being an employed individual~ maybe if i’m a paying patient, i’d not be brushed off like that after i shamelessly confessed that i have no where else where i can be myself, cept for the little counselling room i thought i could count on~
i understand that humans makes mistakes.. that i should be forgiving.. but you know.. i could’ve just ended myself that day. That night, my mind wailed like.. i couldn’t even describe the pain in my chest.. emily.. emily evaporated.. disappeared! Tim.. my mind.. the rage and pain i felt.. i shouldn’t have created emily in the first place.. i shouldn’t have believed in love in the first place.. these people.. they tell me to come out.. to believe in love.. to give love a chance.. hah.. i should have known better, right? No one can accept the real me! when i’m down, they treat me like i’m sick and avoid me or worst, scold me for feeling down. To date, i STILL have to pretend to be ok and happy all the time at home AND at work!! it’s like either i pretend happy or be left alone by “friends” or scorned by family…
i trusted people who seem nice. i thought people who’re nice to me care.. i guess i was wrong.. nice words, are just those. nice words.. people like to say nice encouraging words.. it makes them feel helpful, it makes them feel good. in reality, how many of them truly meant them? in reality, these people either regard me as their competitor, or are just playing nice and courteous. ultimately, nobody could accept me for what i am. not even the nicest bunch of people i’ve met..
I’ve had many.. many telling me i’m loved. i have a loving family.. each time anyone said that, the heart just cringed! cos really, what do these people know..? i can’t be bothered to explain my depression to them really.. i can’t be bothered, cos these people are not interested to know my history. they’re just saying words of kindness.. i know now~ i know better now.. why i can’t be bothered? because most of these people don’t even believe or care that i have clinical depression~
i’ve had oh so many lovely normal people out there tell me, “Oh, you don’t look like you have depression at all! =D”
Haha… verrrry funny people. if i ACTUALLY look like i have depression, i should seriously be admitted into hospital already, FOOLS! Not ALL mental patients are in hospitals, you know! Some of us are allowed to roam the streets. YES!! Even after i told my doc last time i felt like killing x, y, z and myself, they just wrote a diagnosis of clinical depression and ask me come of followup. Nice hey?! =D i guess i was let free cos i told him that “i’m still here cos i couldn’t decide on how i wanna die..”
Oh oh!!! To those of you who ask me to “hey cheer up!” or “why you look so sad?!” when i’m actually feeling too down to put on a smiling face – Please lah! i got depression, can’t i look upset when i feel upset!? i’m not at home leh! Outside my house also i must wear mask in front of you all?! Not happy see my sad face, don’t see lah! XP
Wow.. i just realised i’ve finally managed to put to words things i’ve been meaning to say for so long.. Sweet!! I guess there’s a positive side opposite a negative side hey? While i feel upset hearing stories of mental patients having support and love, i manage to write down stuffs i’ve been wanting to say for so long~ XD
i won’t be surprised if i get other vendors using my illness to sabotage me or my business if they read this entry.. i’ve had one fat biatch cheated me of my trust and money the first year i started my own “lil stall”. pfft~ It doesn’t help of course.. to have depression, and be in the business line.. businessman and woman, are naturally competitive and merciless.. like my closest friend advice me – “there is no “friends” in business“. even if i’m not selling the same things as them, i’m still considered a competition. cool hey? i’m suddenly reminded of an entry i wrote last june. Oh well, that’s what the business world is like. and i’m sure most Singaporeans will agree with me that everything is just business here, in Singapore. it’s all about the moneeeeey~
So basically all i have is this “business”.. can i survive and live on with just the want to create and share and sell? i don’t really consider it a business really.. i mean.. i’m doing a 1 man show, and hardly earn more than $3-400 (sales total, not profit total, mind you) a month since i’m only “open for business” every first and last weekends of the month (meaning 4 days a month).. ok… i can actually hear some laughing at how pathetic i must sound already… hnnn.. whatever. all i have is this business, and i will fight on!! ..|.,